"Oh my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh the agony of my heart! My heart pounds within me, I cannot keep silent…" Jeremiah 4:19

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

PLEASE HELP US IF YOU CAN!

I had a friend suggest this so I’m doing it because we’re DESPERATE!

My son and I are being evicted thanks to a crappy roommate not paying his rent or share of the bills and I’m trying to get the heck out of Tampa and back home to Seattle. I lost my job in late October and Jason didn’t work for 2 weeks in November and then again for two weeks in December due to the holidays so we just fell into that “one month away from homelessness” category that many Americans are in. Well, we’re here and facing homelessness.

I’ve set up a GoFundMe page so if those of you who have found this site helpful could maybe consider helping us I would be incredibly grateful!  This information was freely given and will always remain so.  However, we’re really stuck so I’m just reaching out to anyone remotely connected to our world (even the kindness of strangers) who would consider helping us not end up homeless!

Thank you for reading this post.  I have no pride left, only desperation…things turned bad so quickly my head is spinning and I’m walking in circles so if you can help, PLEASE do! Also, if you could pray and/or put us on any prayer chains or lists you know, that would be awesome too.

The GoFundMe link is here:  https://www.gofundme.com/janetbyers


October 26, 2011 – For the first time tonight, I noticed this site’s statistics. I was shocked to see that the blog gets a lot of visitors (heck, I haven’t posted in several months for a variety of reasons and I’ve never paid any attention to the stats.) Well, when I did, I saw that THIS subject is one of the most searched and so now I’m going to focus on this.

Below is what I wrote when I started the blog in June and I added  more to it tonight based on conversations with men who have a narc mother and some basic research. I will add more as I uncover more (since I’m obviously not a son of a narcissistic mother, my personal perspective doesn’t matter except in relation to my own brother, another friend of mine who was raised by a narc mom and all the narcissistic men I’ve had relationships with over the years.)


June 10, 2011 – I’m just starting the research on this but I have read enough to have some “preliminary” thoughts.  Narc moms raise sons who will most likely fit into one of the following “types” (and this is NOT “scientific or therapeutic fact” but based on my research and personal observations…I’m positive there are experts out there who have written extensively on the subject!)  If you’re a man who sees that one of these types “fits” you a little too well…go find a book by an expert or see a therapist.

If you’re a woman and you’re reading about these men and realize you’re dating one, run like the wind the other direction!  Okay, that wasn’t fair but chances are you’re in for a rough ride that will NOT fulfill your needs, dreams or heart very well…especially if his mother is still overly involved in his life.  If you’re married to one, see above advice about books & therapy.

1)  They become narcissists themselves and hate women even while obsessed with them. They have a love/hate relationship with their mother and their personal relationships are often shallow, messy and ugly. They may tend to date “gold digger” types, (i.e. female narcissists) because gold diggers are usually attractive, also shallow and offer the narcissistic male a prize to display that other males envy (think “trophy wives.”)

These men are usually callous, obsessive and indiscreet about sex and may be the guy who sleeps with women to put “notches in his bedpost.”   He’s the type that brags in the locker room about his conquests so he can hear what a stud he is from other men.  He’ll also tell all the details of his conquests and may publicly berate the woman he’s managed to sleep with as a whore.

They can be wildly successful in their chosen career but may do stupid stuff like have affairs that ruins their reputation and career (think athletes, politicians and preachers.) Perhaps they cheat on their taxes (and get caught); cheat their own clients/or investors, or steal from their business partner (even though they are wealthy themselves.)

There is usually a desperate need for success and adulation but because they actually hate themselves deep down (narcissism is a strange mixture of self hatred and envy that only LOOKS like self love) they are driven to ruin their own success.

2)  They end up without much identity except for what’s tied to their narcissistic mom.  Some would call them mama’s boys.  These are the guys who take “care” of their moms…even if she’s not old and doesn’t need the help. They’re the guys who run errands for her, take time off of work to drive her places and may always be doing things around her house (even if she can afford to pay a handyman.)

He allows her to screw up his relationships. No woman is ever good enough for “her little man” and she can be very cruel and nasty to the women in his life (usually subtly and the women get angry while the mom looks like she’s done nothing wrong.)  This causes endless conflicts and he ends up saying things like, “she’s my mother, I love her and I can’t choose between the two of you so please don’t make me.”

Because he’s been so well groomed to be at her beck and call, he simply can’t comprehend that it’s his mother who is purposefully causing the conflicts (and enjoying the problems she causes.)  This would be the classic example of the horrible mother-in-law.

They may be called “nice guys” by most people, a term they hate (especially because they probably don’t feel very “nice” at all and suffer from low esteem.)  But they won’t fight her — or fight much of anything — they’re too well trained to be compliant.  They’ll go out of their way to help others and may have a “knight in shining armor” complex and find themselves continually drawn to women who need rescuing.  Ultimately, since no one can actually “rescue” anyone else, the needy women will most likely use them and then dump them (and the cycle of feeling like a failure continues.)

These are the two categories above are the ones I’m seeing the most in my preliminary research BUT because of my brother and my dearest male friend, I think there are at least two more (and, of course, aspects of any one of these behaviors/traits — or some from all 4 categories — may be present in one person.  Like I said, NOT scientific!):

3) They suffer from long term, and sometimes rather undefined depression (a form of PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.) They have a hard time remembering their childhood, the memories they do have are vaguely normal yet they may have “fuzzy” memories or feelings that they were somehow abused and they may not have much of a relationship with siblings (but can’t quite put their finger on exactly why.)

They love women but can seem clingy or needy and thus repel rather than attract “normal” women.  They are usually very giving and loving  once a woman gives them a chance but their neediness (which they really aren’t aware of because they are emotionally repressed) may drive that woman away and the cycle of depression continues.

They seem to have a special ability to find narcissistic women over and over again when they DO get into a relationship that lasts longer than the failed attempts with “normal” women. Then they try really, really hard to please the narcissistic women too (subconsciously re-enacting their desire to get love from their mothers.)

The outcome of these relationships is either getting dumped or being treated so badly they finally can’t take it and actually leave themselves. But they don’t seem to relate it back to mom very well, or even really comprehend “what went wrong” and so the cycle continues.

Jobwise, and in other areas, being “safe” and “secure” may be important.  They may have to dwell for a long time on things (process) and even when faced with clear and obvious abuse, they may ponder it and then do nothing to change things.  They may get passed over for promotions, get taken advantage of by co-workers and if self-employed, may tolerate client’s who don’t pay on time or at all.  This can cause further havoc in their lives, both personally and financially.

4)  They become reasonably normal, marry women NOT like mom and manage to keep their Mother at arm’s length. They often have problems holding a job or the opposite, they stay a long time in one job…even if it isn’t fulfilling.  There may be an underlying sense of depression or they feel unfulfilled but they “soldier on” and try to stuff or ignore these emotions.

These types of men were usually afforded some of the “golden child” status by their narc mom in their upbringing and so may not have received the full brunt of their mother’s wrath (even though they’re just as wary of mom as their more damaged or abused siblings, they are probably not as emotionally scarred.)

They may or may not be able to talk about their emotions with their wives, or the opposite, their wife is the only person they can talk to. They can be humorous and charming but sometimes this is actually a defensive mechanism…cracking a joke can stop a serious discussion in it’s tracks thus allowing them to not have to go very deep under the facade.  But overall, they live fairly good lives.


Here is one I got from the blog The Narcissist in Your Life:

NARCISSISTIC SONS-NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS

Some narcissistic mothers fixate on their son as a golden child and a psychological partner. The son of the narcissist is adored by the mother. Although there is no actual incestuous interaction between mother and son, the narcissistic mother can be provocative and psychologically seductive with this child. Learning from early childhood that he is the prince of the household, he feels superior and self entitled to do whatever he wants. The father is out of the picture and takes no significant role in the child’s development. The narcissistic mother has no interest in her spouse. The focus is on her special boy: his talents, charm, brilliance and superiority to everyone else.  Early on the mother communicates to her son that he has no limits and is perfect. This boy knows from the time that he is very young that he is golden—adored and revered by his mother. The narcissistic mother often raises a narcissistic son, an individual she can turn to for validation and a special person on whom she can attach her grandiose dreams of worldly success and power.Mother’s adoration and psychological fusion come at a weighty price. Narcissistic sons of narcissistic mothers have great difficulty becoming real men. Mother has manipulated her child as an adored object. As a result the narcissistic son cannot have emotionally and psychologically intimate relationships with women. Many of these male narcissists detest women and are frightened of being emasculated by them. This is a painful psychological remnant of growing up being suffocated by mother and not allowed to develop a separate identity as a man. Although these narcissistic man can appear to be normal with spouses and families, they are going only through the motions, creating and sustaining an idealized image of  spouse and father. Beneath the elaborate facade, the narcissistic son remains trapped in the psychological strangle hold of his narcissistic mother whom he now treats with cold contempt. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

15 responses

  1. I need to get this out and I need all the advice I can get besides to run. ignore grammatical errors and spelling because im in a frantic mind set and just don’t care about that right now.

    I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 6 months and I am realizing that his mother is twisted over him, Now that she sees we are in a serious relationship and he loves me she has all of a sudden gone from praising how awesome I am for her son to hating me, she banned me from her home for not folding up a pac n play that my daughter slept in. I don’t know that I can describe all of this well enough by typing so I will hit all the point I can.

    I am in a place like a movie when a crime comes together everything this mother has said and done up to this point, which seemed off, I realize, is calculated manipulation of her son.

    I keep having flash backs which are now revelations of truth…..

    I think back to a time when I mentioned her son was out of socks and that I was going to buy more and by the next day his dresser was full of new socks. These smalls things are not why I am here there is more these are just the small creepy things she does. SHe speaks of him like he is her god she holds him up and he gets away with murder. he talks about how everyone love her son he was a celebrity in their old home town. talks about how wild he was sexually with women the lists goes on she has books upon books of her son every step of his life. everyyyyyyything he has shit on went in a book. She repeatidtily referred to me as a fling summer love fling over and over as to make it not true in some way that we love one another. she fills his head these days with negative opinions of me and tears me down for all I am, not that I am perfect but this woman is a white trash mess whi cant stop drinking she has no place to throw stones.
    None the less she is always making secret comments and inside jokes as if to prove her connection to him.

    She was a victim if molestation by her own father an constantly talks of it. she also to my disgust left her son with her known molester family why!!!! soo he too was a vixtim as a child. she openely talks about how she could never do this or do that almost like a guilty person trying to convince me of something she isn’t. also her daughter isn’t in the picture? why??? she cut her mom out and my bf doesn’t tell me shit. I think she was wise to something sinister about her mother.

    This women will go into this 35 year old mans room and yell at him for his bed and weird shit when she knows I have slept with him and when this happens she will talk about me to him and say terrible things its like she gets jealous and its creepy

    now I have gathered over time information that bothers me about his last marriages….there seems to be a pattern he gets married mom moves in and divorce shortly after. she made me believe her sons ex wives were monsters well I believe she cause every major fight they had.
    Why does she need to live with her son and she tries to act like she is her grandsons mother so they are like a trio , my boyfriend his 2 yr old son and the mother. its some sick fake family to her and she does not want me messing it up

    The son does not realize any of this because I believe she has possibly groomed him and maybe even sexually. he sometimes speaks of her in a way that suggests even though he love her, when she dies its okay. like he is torn, he feels responsible for her. she has a good paying job yet he seems to think she cant take care of herself. its all weird she does not need him to be her husband figure he is a son its gross. I believe she appears to be helpless so he will feel guilty.

    One more tid bit she has more then normal over the top amount of times referred to a moment when my boyfriends ex wife accused her of f*&%$# her son, and she speaks of it like” I WOULD NEVER!!!” over and over its very strange.

    also she openely has sworn off all men for life….why? because I think she only wants her son to be her man. she shows no interest in men and is always up my bfs ass

    her son and I are moving to Ecuador in 3 months and she thinks she is going to come following behind and I will not open my house to his mother because once she is there she will not leave and he will never let me kick her out. she has already started making comments about coming and now has told him ” she will get you killed in Ecuador” referring to me. by the way I am a fluent Spanish speaker with an educational background and well traveled the women cant fucking wipe her own ass.
    Any who I know this distance will be good, but now my bf says she doesn’t even know I am going. now she believes I am not. why is he lying to her. and when I say I love you on the phone today he was with her and wouldn’t say it back he deflected my I love you comment by saying something else. and I confronted him and he got defensive because he understood that I was implying he didn’t say it back because someone was listening (HER)

    I am so creeeped out I love him and he is a good man but this side of things keeps getting more unveiled I feel this woman might even want to have sex with him.
    I WILL NOT GIVE HIM UP TO THIS SO PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING BETTER HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS DISGUSTING WOMAN??!!!

    February 3, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    • I’m not a therapist and I know in my heart that this subject needs a professional’s input. But I’m going to comment on a few things from my own perspective and experience…and perhaps that will help but I strongly encourage you to talk to a counselor who is an expert in family dynamics…especially DYSFUNCTIONAL family dynamics. Honey, you’re most likely in a relationship doomed to fail so I’m just going say it up front…and then tell you why I think this in the following paragraphs.

      Reading your post was like reading a post about my ex-husband’s mother. I’ll never forget being at her house one time and sitting in the kitchen with her. She hadn’t turned really nasty yet; this was early in the relationship but I’d already been experiencing alarm bells. So Steve goes to take a shower and comes into the kitchen in just his jeans and no shirt on. Phyllis whistled and said, “wow, you’re so sexy!” My blood curdled and my jaw dropped. It was sexual and so inappropriate…I just couldn’t believe my ears and eyes. Wish I had, would have saved me the worst relationship of my life. ALL relationships start out pretty good but by about 6 months in, you start recognizing the BIG RED FLAGS. The ones you know in your heart spell trouble and are NOT GOING TO GO AWAY!

      And things didn’t get better after we moved away together (FAR from his mother), they got worse. He has run back to mom his whole life, she sexualized him, doted on him, leaned on him, guilt tripped him and I came to realize he secretly hated woman…but of course he NEEDED women. He was a narcissist himself but of the secretly wounded variety that had no insight into his own emotions, actions or motivations; he acted quite macho even while being treated as a little boy in some ways by his controlling mama.

      He was the only man who ever hit me (only a couple of times and we were fighting after drinking alcohol so I bear some of the responsibility myself because I’m a raging lunatic when I drink…which I only one of the reasons I don’t drink anymore!) Except the last time, he’d picked some kind of fight or another and then threatened to leave me to go back to mommy (again.) I had the peace from God wash over me and heard “God calls you to live in peace. If the unbeliever wants to leave, let him.”

      So rather than get drawn into the fight he’d picked that morning, I went into the bedroom and came out with his suitcase and said, “I will help you pack and return to your mother. You aren’t happy with me so let’s just end this.” He tried to throw hot coffee in my face, I ducked and called 911. Calmly and looking his square in the eye. I knew he was never going to change, knew he was never going to stop returning to his toxic roots. He left that day but tortured me for several years afterward from a distance.

      You’re NOT going to like this but I’m going to have you look in the mirror and ask yourself why you’re with a man who was sexually molested, has a sick relationship with his sick mother, has been divorced several times and lets his mother move into his home and life? What is YOUR pain that a man this damaged is attractive to you? What is your family background?

      He may be a good guy and you love him. But mommy is never going away…she’ll call constantly, run his life from a distance. You’re focused on HER…but you need to be focused on why he lets her act like this. A man that lets his mother treat his women like shit ISN’T A GOOD MAN…good men don’t allow their women to be hurt by anyone. There is a scripture that says: “…a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Mark 10:7-9.

      Doesn’t matter if you’re Christian or not, I use that scripture to point out something that is true in religion AND true in psychology. The passage SEPARATES mother and father…it doesn’t say “parents” which would be easier. The man is supposed to leave EACH of his parents in a separate manner. Jewish mothers are often portrayed in movies and memoirs from Jewish men who’ve written famous books as rather overprotective and somewhat demanding with big plans and dreams for their boys. So when God says in a passage mother and father separate in order for him to become one with his wife I can’t help but think that the mother part means putting mom SECOND TO HIS WIFE. Standing on his own feet as a man and not allowing mom to interfere, protecting his wife, his own family from undue pressures, expectations, etc. From BOTH his parents because father’s represent something different to sons than mothers do and men need to step out from under their father’s shadows and become the man of his own household.

      That’s it, all that came pouring out of me so take it and consider it. But please, talk to an expert…you’ve got a daughter at stake here and I’m POSITIVE you don’t want her wounded by a sick extended family dynamic. His mother hates you, she will also hate your daughter too…and a little one doesn’t react in anger as you do…she’ll take it in and feel something is wrong with her. Mamma isn’t going an-y-where out of her son’s life. Period.

      February 4, 2016 at 10:49 AM

  2. Am a narcissistic guy myself brought up by a narcissistic mother. And i always feel lost and i cant find appropriate avenues for dealing with these. I feel trapped.
    I have had more than 100 women or more…i don’t even know anymore. I just find one, use and dump and the cycle keeps going on. I met a woman whom i love a lot, i really do…but she is a narcissistic psychopath…like me.. he he. I am just lost.
    Am an accountant with a good job, ride and a beautiful woman who is the most narcisstic psychopath i have eva met. She is damn controlling and self centered.

    July 25, 2014 at 8:16 AM

    • Narcs CAN change you know. You’re an accountant…go get psychiatric help dude! At least you know you’re screwed up and unhappy…that’s a start! Funny how someone LIKE us…but even worse…can force us to look at our own demons in the mirror. Good luck to you…being unhappy SUCKS!

      January 18, 2016 at 11:28 PM

  3. Agreed. I dealt with my boyfriend and then husband of now two kids and 18 years of marriage later (it can be done) help girls that I referred to as his little “puppies” and accommodate him mom. I do not keep her from her son or my sons but step in when she tries to pull SH*T with boys. Momma Bear always.

    January 5, 2014 at 9:20 PM

  4. littlemissbig

    One who had npd parent(s)still lives at home at age 46 and has never left home as far as we know, never married to my knowledge. was told ‘you can’t hold a CANDLE to your father!’ when he was young, and now she has a self-fulfilled prophecy. Infantilization is common with these npds. It is a terrible thing to make your adult child think they can’t survive without you.

    December 28, 2013 at 10:19 PM

  5. Hi, Thanks for your blog and for your experiences and insights but I think this is a bit one sided. It doesn’t take into account the intelligent, self aware and wounded son of a toxic narcisstic mother.
    The son who like the many daughters was NOT the golden child though every failure to BE the golden child yearned for was remarked upon, punished and served upon a platter of guilt.
    This type of son deserves and needs a place on your blog, he may be damaged by his past, but it is from a place of very clear awareness as to how and why.
    No, the desire for approval may never entirely be gone as with daughters, but the awareness of this desires hopelessness and it’s painful legacy deserves recognition in the son of a narcissist as much as it’s counterpart with a self aware daughter of one.
    This son is my partner.
    Mommy did not allow him space, autonomy, feelings, growth, choices or the right to make mistakes.
    Praise was manipulative flattery to mould.
    Failure to please meant punishment, shunning and withdrawal of love
    Gifts had a huge emotional price tag attached.
    Humour was barbed sarcasm and the bar was raised ever higher.
    He was an unconsulted ( slowly gaining awareness) extention of her own neurotic construct.
    Today he is 30 and deconstructing his programming bit by bit.
    He knows, has always known and he hurts and unsuprisingly doesn’t trust women very easily.
    Why? See how much of this resonates with the daughters here.
    To relax in his own way ( has guilt)
    To take space from me or anyone (has guilt)
    To say no (has guilt)
    To receive a gift given freely with no strings (causes anxiety)
    To make a decision alone without input (Is to be a BAD and SECRETIVE and UNGRATEFUL child)
    To receive love leaves him asking (what will this cost in acceptance.)
    Yet
    He has humour, resilience, awareness and courage.
    Holds down a job (support worker for learning disabilities), has lovely friends, is a musician and an athlete, no drink issues or drug issues. Just the huge, still gaping, wounds.
    He knows his own inner child from old and his own inner parent is emerging strongly.
    He takes responsibility for his own baggage and is not anyones fixer upper or co-dependent needer or enabler.
    I won’t enable, I won’t attempt to fix, I won’t offer free social working or amateur psychology to my wounded partner.
    That’s not my job as his partner and lover.
    I will take responsibility for how much his issues affect me and how much I am willing to take on with love and respect for both of us.
    I will stand back and give him the space to make his choices and deal with his issues how and when he finds appropriate.
    I will support his journey to healing and personal growth by being honest and trustworthy about my own.
    I am the daughter of a narcisstic mother and have had the benefit of therapy.
    I found my way into awareness through sites like this and on to therapy and baggage reclaim.
    My partner is finding his way and it is HIS way not mine or anyone elses. I think it would be helpful if it were recognised that there are some very intelligent, resourceful, decent, sane, hurt son’s who emerge from the clutches of a narcisstic mother.
    They also need to make sense of the mental illness that their mothers suffer from and learn how to neutralize the negative voice and regain autonomy and health with support and acceptance from us daughters.
    Thanks for your blog it is a gift to those of us who have known this particular form of abuse from parents.

    April 23, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    • Hi there: I am trying to catch up on YEARS of comments since I basically abandoned this blog for years. I agree with you (and I just scanned your post) so I invite you to contact me. This blog was set up to have more than just ME and MY story…it was always meant to be co-written. If you’d like to connect with me offline, let’s talk because I DON’T put pages up about stuff I haven’t experienced myself because I’m bound to get it wrong when whistling in someone ELSE’S darkness!

      January 28, 2016 at 4:54 PM

  6. I see there is no feedback on this page from Sons of Narcissistic Parents, (e.g.: males!) and I’d love to know why. I suspect its very hard for us to come out.

    I also see that most of the activity in this site went on from 2011 to 2012. I write this on April 1st, 2013. Is anybody there?

    In my case, I didn’t know my mother was a Narcissist until I was 56! I knew there was something very wrong when I was 8 years old, when for a school assignment I wrote a 3-page bio of myself and realized it was very sad but I couldn’t figure out why. When I was 12, and then 18, and then 32, I made concerted efforts to find out what was the matter, but I didn’t put it all together until about two years ago. I was always barking up the wrong tree, looking for something dysfunctional in myself, which my mother encouraged.

    It was the Sacred Vow I made to myself when I was 32 that began the effort which in retrospect prepared me emotionally and physically for the final realization. I was always too dependent, in ways I was completely unaware of, on my mother. Even though I moved away from home when I was 18 to get away from her. Her hold on me increased, in some ways, the further I got from her physically. I needed to be materially dependent on myself, and even at 32 it was very hard for me to hold a job. So I was always financially broken, which made other kinds of independence harder to acquire. It was always a case of improving a little bit here, a little bit there, and pulling myself up very slowly. When I did have an opportunity to look back at how far I’d come in a given space of time, I was always appalled to realize how bad things had been before, and how much work there was left to do.

    Ofl the 4 kinds of male narcissists you mention, I’m closest to the third one, with PTSD, with bits of the first two but not the 4th. But even the third type doesn’t nail it. Mine was a very very complex and difficult family dynamic. When I was a junior in High School, in an English class we had a lesson in which we worked with theatrical make-up artists. One woman designed a crystalline structure on my face. My teacher looked at me for a long time, and said, “That’s very appropriate for him. He’s so complex and contradictory, like there’s a House of Mirrors inside him.” I’ll never forget that.
    One, I am very smart, gifted and creative. Now I am beginning to have success at last as a painter. Two, my father was very emotionally violent and yelled at me what felt like every day that we were home together for the first 18 years of my life. Because he didn’t beat me, I always felt it was my fault that I took it too hard. He yelled at me because we were both first-born sons, and his mother apparently yelled at him just as hard as he yelled at me. I found this out from his cousin when I was in my 20s.

    But what I only faced in the last 2 years was that my mother always instigated his epic tantrums, and because of her huge inempathy– lack of empathy– she was always completely unaware that she was tripping him off. This turned out to be very important,. because all my life I perceived him to be the cause and tried to improve it. But in fact the cause was hidden; it was her. So the wrench in the machine was always invisible– the more he hurt me the more I idealized her; even though she became increasingly cold and distant to me.

    So, yes, I’ve had a very confused and difficult relationship with women. Over a year ago, my first wife left me. We had an on-off relationship for 26 years, and were married for the last 14 of them. I’m still processing what happened. It appears that I idealized her unrealistically, and that she was more sensitive towards herself than she was towards me. She bristled at the suggestion that she was like my mother, but in the final analysis I think she was. Its largely for her that my presence on these sites is anonymous.

    I’ve seen Linda Martinez-Lewi’s writing in other places online, but she only writes about the male Golden Child. I was never the Golden Child. That would be my sister who was 6 years younger than me. Because my mother wore the pants in the family and was deeply misandronistic– she hates men. So I was the Scapegoat, as you write about elsewhere in this site. The blame for wrongs in the family always seemed to fall on me, and the finger that pointed at me was always hidden. The only victory that was ever available to me was to hold out until I was integrated enough to stand up for myself. I waited 55 years.

    Thank you for listening,
    and thank you for writing this,
    Vic Banner
    April Fools Day, 2013
    (No, this isn’t a joke. )

    March 31, 2013 at 11:05 PM

  7. i really did not appreciate the “run in the other direction” part. This blog is slightly innacurate at points about sons of narcissistic mothers. I am a son of a narcissistic mother. i figured this all out as a child but could not put it into words, i began to despise my mother and lived a separate life outside my home. by the way she is a covert narcissist mother which means that she does everything an overt narcissist would do but only subtley and secretely. I was “scape goated” and “neglected” mixed, its complicated and im still not sure where i place in, my brother was a golden child, my sister was an absolute scapegoat, she had it very bad but i could not see. like this article says i was never close to my siblings and didnt know why, but now me and my sister have begun talking after i reached out to her a while ago and told her how i felt and tried to explain what i knew, it was her who figured the actual psychological diagnosis. The reason i do not like the “run in the opposite direction” comment was because as a result of me finding love, a woman nothing like my mom, a true lover, and caring and passionate, i was able to begin my healing process. The chain of events that led me to figuring this out was miraculous, well partly, partly it was because my mothers attepts to guilt me and emasculate me enevitably failed, my inner strength would not let me be controlled, though the damage she wreaked on me led me to believe i was essentially disfunctonal, that there was something wrong with me. I became rebellious because i knew inside that she was a manipulative monster. That led me to choosing my current girlfreind of three years whom helped me heal and realize who i was. I in turn helped her and helped fulfill her life as well. I will say it was a rough start, my mothers’ wreaking havoc on my process of fuctioning and feeling caused my insecureties in that department to overload.. i was romantic and passionate, 17, but also jealous and insecure. Yet i was reasonable and her and her mom, healthy relationship by the way, helped heal my pain, i even bonded to her mother and her family loves me as their own. But me parially figuring out that my mom was a fake manipulative person led me to tell that to my sister, who later mentioned that to her therapist. Who helped her figure it out, and she told me. It really helped more now that i know all this, a huge weight off of my shoulders. But anyways i changed over time through introspection and reflection, and the help of others. Anyway i am a great boyfreind/lover – husband to be. I am deep, loving, caring, passionate, genuine, strong, and honest/true. perhaps i was an exception but the fact that some men have had this troubling abusive relationship does not mean to pass them up as lovers, they can change, especially if you have put your finger on their problems/ weaknesses. Dont run in the other direction, give them a chance, the love of my life gave me a few, in spite of my flaws, and we both came out better than if she had ran.

    March 12, 2013 at 12:25 AM

  8. I had a narcissistic mother, and I was not the “golden child.” I fought her manipulations all my life, and even though she is now deceased, I still fight them. These women don’t have children because they love them; they have children to complete themselves. They are very insecure, and they usually pick one child to be an extension of themselves. Luckily for me, I was not that child, but it sure didn’t feel like i was lucky at the time. Unfortunately, I have picked very narcissistic men as my partners, and I am only now learning about myself and why I pick them. I have had three long-term relationships. Two of them cheated on me, and I have reacted in unhealthy ways that are self-destructive. I have responded in a different, but also narcissistic way by drinking away the pain I have felt upon betrayal. I have never had a drinking problem until recently. My recent partner interrupted almost everything I said and had to have the floor. No more – I’m trying to face what I have done and heal my soul. No one can be blamed for my behavior but me, no matter what anybody does or says to me. I have the power to become a whole person. The one good thing I can say about NOT being the golden child is that I haven’t repeated my mother’s narcissistic behavior with my own children. My two grown daughters have chosen good careers and good men as their partners. They are kind people, but they draw important boundaries. I enjoyed nurturing their gifts while they were growing up, because I wanted them to have what I didn’t have – a kind and present mother who didn’t play favorites. They don’t live near me, and I think that is a good thing for them. I accept them as grown women with independent and individual thoughts that don’t mimic mine. Ironically, I believe that not being the golden child allowed me to be a better mother. It is much harder on the child who is picked as the “golden” child. My older brother, Mama’s Golden Child, committed suicide when he was only 26 years old. He wrote her a long letter to let her know how she had ruined his life. It was never discussed after he died, but before he died, he wrote me a letter telling me he had done this. I continue to grieve for him – he was a brilliant person in almost every way – and I know he wanted to get better. And so do I.

    November 14, 2012 at 7:18 AM

  9. I just learned about this 5 days ago – like a kick in the teeth. I am (soon to be ‘was’)the scapegoat; the golden child is languishing at our ‘mother’s house – no job, no intention of getting one, never had one and now in his 50s, there are no women left to feed him except Mommy Dearest. I feel sick to the stomach. How did I not realise this before?

    October 31, 2012 at 9:13 AM

  10. I stumbled on this blog as I was researching “adult males of narcissistic mothers.” I am married to the adult son (golden child) of a deeply narcissistic mother. The problems we have are too many to mention. In short, it’s a nightmare. He takes little to no responsibility for the damaging things he has done. He will lie to my face and feel no remorse if discovered. He’s very successful at work, which masks who he really is…an emotionally immature, manipulative, dishonest person with little to no empathy. I am torn between feeling angry, and sad for him. To anyone who is contemplating marriage to the adult son of a narcissistic mother (the golden child), RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will gladly ruin your life and destroy your inner peace, if you let him. RUN, get out of the relationship, if you can. If not, seek out professional help in order to cope with the nightmare you’re living. It will not get better over time.

    October 23, 2012 at 1:04 PM

  11. You’re right on point,I met a narcissistic boy when I was 14 and he was 17. I didn’t know or never heard of narcissisim, until now. In the beginning he was a charm and after he got me pregnant, then I had a second child,he changed into someone I didn’t know. I can tell you this he loved the attention he was getting for being a new father,both times. Being that young and really not knowing what life was really about,I got duped by someone who I though loved me. He destroyed my youth and my life,him and his mother, matter fact his whole family are very controlling people and just “Evil”. He left me for another woman (NS),he had been cheating all through out the relationship,just careless and reckless. The treatment was so bad,I left after some years of dealing with his abuse. I left my children with them and come to find out they abused them and now I’m trying to get therapy for my children. Sometimes it’s so hard dealing with this illness,my children have some of the traits of a “N” especially my daughter. I read that a “N” is a person who was not “Sufficiently Loved” because I’m a child of “GOD” today,I show nothing but “Love” to them but sometimes they take it for granted. “GOD” said “Love” conquer “All”! Thank You for sharing your insight with others who are dealing with the “Devil” himself!

    June 20, 2012 at 1:11 PM

    • P.S My comment is regarding the ‘set up’ golden boy who rejected the offer due to the cost attached in earning that golden, dangling, carrot of narcisstic approval. It’s a struggle that never ends. Mommy wants her golden child and some kids can SEE it is all red shoes and no end to the dancing from the get go. My partner and I were those kids, BUT the saying no doesn’t change the journey of hurt to anything different to those who say yes. It’s just a different sort of wound. We spend years hoping our autonomy will be accepted with approval. Red shoe kids spend years dancing hoping that same approval will come. End result no approval ever. This is the issue, the need for approval is the biggie. This is the thing that needs rooting out and killing off. The desperate need for approval from a mentally ill parent who is incapable of healthy relationship.

      April 23, 2013 at 11:58 AM

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