"Oh my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh the agony of my heart! My heart pounds within me, I cannot keep silent…" Jeremiah 4:19

Narcissism in Love Relationships

This blog was started June 10, 2011 and as of October 25, I’ve been silent for awhile but am at LEAST trying to get something on every page.

This is what I wrote in June:  “Since I am a woman, 99% of this blog will be from a female perspective but the last thing that I’ll write tonight will start my post tomorrow and it’s this thought:

Children of narcissists are really, really good at really, really bad relationships.”

October 25, 2011.  Okay, it’s obvious that the next day lasted a long time!  I received a comment from a woman and despite having had the craziest several months since I started the blog, I’ve been thinking to either fill in or kill the empty pages.  Her comment brought me back here.

I could NOT see narcissism in my past love relationships when I started this journey.  I needed to focus on Mom, and then the various Dads, first.

But I kept thinking about my lovers and relationships.  They were all pretty bad in the long run but I couldn’t pin down any one man with specific narc characteristics.  This is why the page sat empty for 4 months….I couldn’t tell.

Well, guess what?  I finally figured out why I couldn’t pin down details on any one man…I figured out that EVERY man I’ve ever dated was narcissistic!  Fun.

The times life was “good” with them was when we were BOTH operating in narcissism mode.  Things would get bad when I would try to change either myself or them…THEN the attacks and ugliness would begin.  This is not to say I was the victim…I was quite cold, ruthless, selfish, etc. myself.  But I suspect that when some vague notion would rise in my head that the relationship was sick, my strong desire to get healhty — a desire that has NEVER stopped since I came to realize I was an emotional mess — would rise up and I would try to figure out problems, try to get them to see we had problems and that we needed help.

To a man, they shredded me whenever I did this.  And writing this now, I JUST realized that the words they used were always the same.  Of course, it COULD be that I really was a whore, really was controlling, really was crazy, really was a ball busting bitch (sorry Christians, just repeating what was said to me.)  But there were other words, other statements that they ALL made…and now I realize that they were the same kind of statements my mom made.

I think I had a lot to do with the dysfunctions in the relationships.  But I know now that a lot of it was the men I chose and the things that were familiar to me.  I do know that you can read the definitions of a narcissist and if you see your lover, you’re in a relationship with a narc.  You might have to read both characteristics of narc moms and of narc dads to get perspective…and figure out your triggers, what you are drawn to that seems familiar (which means it will be toxic for you) and what to look out for.

I’m 52 and I’m single.  I know my radar is still broken so I turn it off and continue to work on me.  I’ll never find a good relationship with a narcissist (no one will unless you go full doormat yourself…or turn into a narcissist yourself!)  I still don’t know how to “do” relationships well but I DO know what doesn’t work and what I don’t want.  Right now, I’m still learning to love myself and I know that no one will ever love me the way my wounded inner child longs for…so I don’t look because I want to heal her so she doesn’t go looking for the impossible and the unhealthy.

I still believe that I will one day love truly and fully the way God intended…and that there will be warts and flaws and joy and laughter and problems and hard work involved and good times and bad times and life will throw stuff at us and we will survive and wound and thrive and heal and stay together because we will weather storms and not try to destroy one another along the way.

Otherwise, alone is better for me.  Until I learn to fight fair and not be trashed or trash him during a fight and a lot of other “small” behaviors that add up to dysfunctional, alone is better.   But my heart longs for healthy love and if it is out there for me, God will bring it because I WILL be healed and pretty much “whole” one day….still imperfect, still human but not a walking, talking bag of screwed up emotions, needs, wants desires, behaviors and reactions.  THEN the hard work of a “normal” relationship will begin LOL!

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