"Oh my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh the agony of my heart! My heart pounds within me, I cannot keep silent…" Jeremiah 4:19

Narcissism in Love Relationships

PLEASE HELP US IF YOU CAN!

I had a friend suggest this so I’m doing it because we’re DESPERATE!

My son and I are being evicted thanks to a crappy roommate not paying his rent or share of the bills and I’m trying to get the heck out of Tampa and back home to Seattle. I lost my job in late October and Jason didn’t work for 2 weeks in November and then again for two weeks in December due to the holidays so we just fell into that “one month away from homelessness” category that many Americans are in. Well, we’re here and facing homelessness.

I’ve set up a GoFundMe page so if those of you who have found this site helpful could maybe consider helping us I would be incredibly grateful!  This information was freely given and will always remain so.  However, we’re really stuck so I’m just reaching out to anyone remotely connected to our world (even the kindness of strangers) who would consider helping us not end up homeless!

Thank you for reading this post.  I have no pride left, only desperation…things turned bad so quickly my head is spinning and I’m walking in circles so if you can help, PLEASE do! Also, if you could pray and/or put us on any prayer chains or lists you know, that would be awesome too.

The GoFundMe link is here:  https://www.gofundme.com/janetbyers


This blog was started June 10, 2011 and as of October 25, I’ve been silent for awhile but am at LEAST trying to get something on every page.

This is what I wrote in June:  “Since I am a woman, 99% of this blog will be from a female perspective but the last thing that I’ll write tonight will start my post tomorrow and it’s this thought:

Children of narcissists are really, really good at really, really bad relationships.”

October 25, 2011.  Okay, it’s obvious that the next day lasted a long time!  I received a comment from a woman and despite having had the craziest several months since I started the blog, I’ve been thinking to either fill in or kill the empty pages.  Her comment brought me back here.

I could NOT see narcissism in my past love relationships when I started this journey.  I needed to focus on Mom, and then the various Dads, first.

But I kept thinking about my lovers and relationships.  They were all pretty bad in the long run but I couldn’t pin down any one man with specific narc characteristics.  This is why the page sat empty for 4 months….I couldn’t tell.

Well, guess what?  I finally figured out why I couldn’t pin down details on any one man…I figured out that EVERY man I’ve ever dated was narcissistic!  Fun.

The times life was “good” with them was when we were BOTH operating in narcissism mode.  Things would get bad when I would try to change either myself or them…THEN the attacks and ugliness would begin.  This is not to say I was the victim…I was quite cold, ruthless, selfish, etc. myself.  But I suspect that when some vague notion would rise in my head that the relationship was sick, my strong desire to get healhty — a desire that has NEVER stopped since I came to realize I was an emotional mess — would rise up and I would try to figure out problems, try to get them to see we had problems and that we needed help.

To a man, they shredded me whenever I did this.  And writing this now, I JUST realized that the words they used were always the same.  Of course, it COULD be that I really was a whore, really was controlling, really was crazy, really was a ball busting bitch (sorry Christians, just repeating what was said to me.)  But there were other words, other statements that they ALL made…and now I realize that they were the same kind of statements my mom made.

I think I had a lot to do with the dysfunctions in the relationships.  But I know now that a lot of it was the men I chose and the things that were familiar to me.  I do know that you can read the definitions of a narcissist and if you see your lover, you’re in a relationship with a narc.  You might have to read both characteristics of narc moms and of narc dads to get perspective…and figure out your triggers, what you are drawn to that seems familiar (which means it will be toxic for you) and what to look out for.

I’m 52 and I’m single.  I know my radar is still broken so I turn it off and continue to work on me.  I’ll never find a good relationship with a narcissist (no one will unless you go full doormat yourself…or turn into a narcissist yourself!)  I still don’t know how to “do” relationships well but I DO know what doesn’t work and what I don’t want.  Right now, I’m still learning to love myself and I know that no one will ever love me the way my wounded inner child longs for…so I don’t look because I want to heal her so she doesn’t go looking for the impossible and the unhealthy.

I still believe that I will one day love truly and fully the way God intended…and that there will be warts and flaws and joy and laughter and problems and hard work involved and good times and bad times and life will throw stuff at us and we will survive and wound and thrive and heal and stay together because we will weather storms and not try to destroy one another along the way.

Otherwise, alone is better for me.  Until I learn to fight fair and not be trashed or trash him during a fight and a lot of other “small” behaviors that add up to dysfunctional, alone is better.   But my heart longs for healthy love and if it is out there for me, God will bring it because I WILL be healed and pretty much “whole” one day….still imperfect, still human but not a walking, talking bag of screwed up emotions, needs, wants desires, behaviors and reactions.  THEN the hard work of a “normal” relationship will begin LOL!

4 responses

  1. Hi,

    I am sorry to hear of your troubled past but it seems like you’ve gained very good insight into your past relationships and upbringing which have clearly taken their toll.

    I admire your strength and willingness to find someone right for yourself. The fact that you can see that possibility means you are on the right track to find it.

    I am dedicating a blog specifically to help victims of narcissism find love, so please feel free to have a look when you’re ready:
    http://silverboundary.Wordpress.com
    You may find it useful.

    It is never to late to turn this around, stay strong and keep fighting for what you deserve.

    Ariel

    November 1, 2012 at 2:26 PM

  2. What you said “until I learn to fight fair and not be trashed or trash him” hit home for me….self identifying is so difficult to do…knowing that you live with someone so devoid has taught me to protect myself with anything I can grab hold of, beat him with, protect myself with…and it is just as painful knowing that I AM doing it too as it is painful when he does it to me….

    It breaks down my sense of self to see myself mirroring the narcissistic behavior…I will stop immediately….I do not want any excuse for myself…only to know that this is what I AM DOING! and I have the power and the good sense to stop…now!

    Thank you for this discovery….I think I just felt good…lol!

    December 14, 2012 at 3:05 PM

  3. This page resonates with me TO THE CORE. My mom, a narcissist and my soon to be ex is also one, and yes, although we were together for 13 years, I just figured it out…actually…he spelled it out for me, loud and clear…and yes…I was a doormat for him and boyfriends and other relationships before….but now that I recognize, it’s the first step of moving forward, being me and having healthy relationships. All kinds of healthy relationships. Rule #1: I need to make boundaries. Rule #2: I’ll let you know when I figure it out myself. Wonderful wonderful blog. So glad I found it, so glad you wrote it

    August 18, 2013 at 3:33 PM

  4. Hey ! Just out of a relationship with a narcissist too, but gladly way younger and sooner than you. I didn’t realize it had a name before, that unempathetic selfishness, the crisis, the blame, the way I started crying after she would call me.

    It’s really surprising how impossible it is to make them change. I can be an asshole, and go quite far sometimes, but I always put others before me, I listen a lot and try to solve problems rather than create them. It made it so much more difficult, to have that unsolvable puzzle in front of me. She tried to reduce my ego, felt rage and jealousy at everything (not much since I wasn’t allowed to do much without her) I would do without her.

    Stopping contact is sadly the only way, friendship couldn’t work, as I tried to spare her details of my new friends, girls I liked etc to not make her feel bad, she would on the contrary answer with explicit ones, brag and make up numbers.

    What’s fun is I spotted something was wrong the very first day, when I walked beside her and she wouldn’t wait for me. She would just go faster, I would say “oh wait a bit no hurries” and she would focus on her objective, not being next to me. It was the biggest constant in our whole relationship. I have no idea if that’s something common for narcissists.

    My only regret is that it seems there is no cure, not that I wish to cure her now, but that it means she’ll only get worse and worse, and die alone. I can’t hate them, I can only pity them (ah strangely that word was the worse word I could ever utter with her, she HATED the concept of pity…so much I started believing indeed pity was very bad… I was so dumb because pity is what makes us help each other, it’s not we feel superior, it’s that we understand others’ sufferings)

    May 27, 2015 at 1:17 AM

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