Update December 2015: I had a post here before written by someone else. In re-reading it I took it down because I didn’t like just the first few paragraphs (and the link went to a site that was gone.) If you wanted that post, I’m sorry because it’s now history!
In the last several years I’ve come to believe that most children of extreme narcissists suffer in many ways that society (and sometimes the children) don’t know how (or want) to address.
I suspect Narc parents produce children with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I suspect a lot of children of narcissists are co-dependent.
Children of narcs often become narcissists themselves (but most of them will not land on this site.) I think more often they feel like victims and crazy as a loon (those are the ones who are digging around this blog.)
I will post more from other viewpoints and try to find some expert viewpoints (like something I read the other day about the victims of narcissists syndrome that seems to be gaining more attention.) I “think” it somewhat new in the psych circles. Not sure though, I didn’t dig deeply.
More another day…
Postcards to a Narcissist 
My father is a narcissistic father and had me turned against my mother for many years. I’m just coming to terms with this. It’s very hard to live with someone you’re constantly afraid of talking to. I want to move out after I graduate ( one year away) but I’m very unsure of where to start.
Abusers will always control with fear, always. Try reasearching “Boundaries” (there are books on the subject but I’m sure there is lots online for free too.) A Co-Dependents Anonymous group (they’re free and all over America) might help to find people who will help you, listen to you and give you some tools to gain independence from controlling people, healing for issues, etc. Good luck sweetie! (Forgive my late reply, I’m slogging through 3 years of comments.)
I am the daughter of a narc dad and now married to a narc husband. Pure Hell. Now I am afraid of what this is doing to my children. One child seems to be so sensitive and allows the other to rule the roost. Both are told when dad is around to behave, not fuss, not make dad mad. He never held them as babies, rarely if ever plays with them. Never read a book to the kids when young. Does not help with homework or show them how to do chores. They never have seen him do any chores to help mom around the house. He belittles me just like my dad does to my mom. When we dated he hated the way my parents interacted. Now our marriage is worse. The whole house runs according to dad’s mood which can be hard to read. He is good at teasing the kids which they have told them they don’t like. He doesn’t get it. He thinks we know when he is joking – truth is we don’t. Neither my dad or husband get that. They think we are all too sensitive when we try to tell them how we feel. Hubby does not play with the kids or help with homework much at all. when it does occur why bother? He gets them upset because they make a mistake – that is how we all learn right? It is worse if he tries to help because inevitably someone will get yelled at for something – just the way it is! He expects perfection with everything from sports, homework, behavior, how they dress.
Thank you very much for this article – I am terrified by the idea of slowly becoming like my father.
AND i was adopted at birth. im 46 and cant belive i fell for that asshole fathers bullshit story and now im stuck here again.. un real..but boy, you nailed it! that described me better than all the shrinks ive seen put together
As a narc magnet, I’ve learned to ask a few questions. Think before I answer. Ask myself, am I trying to please this person?
Is this request good or bad for me?
Am I giving out of the goodness of my heart or for something in return?
Does this request violate me?
How does this person make me feel? Do I feel anxiety when they are around? If so, why?
Is this person intruding? Are their questions giving you anxiety? Do not reveal yourself too early when you meet people, meaning don’t tell them your sad stories. A person usually comes full circle in a year no matter how often or little you interact with them. If they are nice a year from now, go from there. If in that 12 months they act up, I give them one chance, if they repeat the offense I feed them from a long handle spoon, no more excuses.
Also make a list of boundaries. Things that are not acceptable. Do not harm yourself or allow harm to you. Do not submit to request you would later feel shame about. You must know your boundaries to do this. Read the Bible for a list if you don’t know what to list. You will never feel shame for following God’s laws. There is so much more to life than relationships. Relationships are only one part of life. Do not neglect any part of your life for one. Enjoy the other parts of life and you will attract more people into your circle including good people. When you get around quality people, the narc vampires will seem just like what they are in comparison. You will recognize the bad ones from the good ones and your desire for them will lesson. You won’t have to be on guard as much with the non-vampires. And no matter how nice or good or accomplished a person is they can still ask you to do something bad. Believe it and be prepared. Listen to your anxiety, it is a warning system. Be prepared to stall a person before giving in to their request until you’ve had time to reflect on what they are asking. For example: I was asked to go on vacation with a friend. They had me do all the research for the vacation which I felt anxiety about because I had other things to do too. Then they wanted me to pay for our vacation and promised that they would pay me back. I had already been feeling anxiety but because this was a direct violation of my boundaries a red alert went off and I stalled my answer by telling them I would not get any money until next week when they would have repaid me anyways according to them. By not answering in the moment when I didn’t know exactly what was bothering me, I was able to stall, reflect on my feelings of discomfort, and respond assertively. I didn’t destroy myself or the relationship in the process.
Hi,
Thank you for this blog. It has been quite helpful. I was raised by a narcissistic mother. My father was out of the picture because of her and later he passed away. Yes, you are true about many things– esp when you say that ACoNs are trained to tolerate.
I could and probably will fill a book on my experiences as the eldest child of divorced narcissistic parents. My life has been hell on earth as I was one of the children that was steamrolled by the :Big Bad Wolf” and abandoned by the other. I read this page through streaming tears recognizing myself so clearly. I am just beginning recovery and went No Contact with my NM a few nonths ago. Next will be to leave my Narc husband.
Hi. Wow, I’m pretty sure that I have parents who are narcissistic and I think everything you said here is on the dot.
Thank you for this post! I am a daughter of a narcissist and has been in a relationship with a woman who is just as much of a narcissist as him and at the moment I am just thinking about how I can escape. I don’t have any money, she always claims she doesn’t have any so I use up what I have for us. My mother has already tried to “save” me just a month ago by buying me a ticket away from here (we live on an island too) but the plan didn’t work and I am still to pay her back for that so I don’t know what to do now, I don’t want to ask her or my sister for help (again) when it’s soon christmas…
I have seriously problems with my self esteem and always have had. I don’t have any contact with my dad anymore, this summer my little sister told me that his wife/her mother had abused her several times, and I also saw it. My dad defended his wife and accused my 10 year old sister (half-sister) of lying and he wrote horrible letters to me where he said I was just like a hysterical 14-year old and made him “scared” because I seemed “mentally ill”.
I then told him I wanted nothing to do with him and reported the abuse to the social services who still keeps in touch with the family. My lovely aunt though is very upset and feels sorry for my dad and keeps telling me how sorry he is. She has always thought of him as some kind of angel and ‘devoted father’ even though he is the oppossite. He has never played with me as a child or interacted in any way growing up, he has droven me in the car while drunk or intoxicated the majority of times he has droven me somewhere as a child and also as an adult. When i lived with him after the divorce from age 14 he let me do whatever I wanted and I just came home when I felt like it or went to parties or slept at friends without him asking me once where I was or had been. He told me I was “disgusting” several times when I was between 12-14, when I was really young, about 4 years old he used to compare me to Cinderellas evil sisters.
When I was 13 he started to convince everyone I was mentally unfit and needed medication. I was very unhappy because of the situation at home which was horrible, his drug abuse and because I was bullied at school. both emotionally and physically.
He didn’t tell the psychologists anything about his drug addiction, just said that I was very sensitive and always had been and had mental problems. He insisted in doing the talking for me and being with me at the psychologist…
I really wish i could talk with other people who grew up with a narcissistic parent.
I am looking for articles on how to deal with siblings of narcissistic parents, who are also narcissistic.
Thank you so much. Yes, we’ve been at that point before – “What do you expect me to do? Just move away, never seen him again?” Yeah, that would be GREAT, Honey! 🙂 It’s wonderful that you are fighting human trafficking! People don’t understand how big a problem that is! Most people never come into contact with it so they just don’t think about it.
I have decided that I am not going to allow my own boundaries to be violated, nor allow my kids to suffer because my husband’s family doesn’t want to face up to who his father really is. I don’t want to purposely destroy my sons’ relationship to their grandfather but I also can’t allow him to influence them negatively or use them for his own purposes, as he does everyone else in his life.
And it does help once you recognize what you’re dealing with – once you can stand back and really understand that the child of an NPD isn’t likely to have a whole lot of empathy or emotional depth. Some of the things my husband has related to me have about made my hair stand on end but for him, it’s like reciting a grocery list – there’s no emotional component to it.
It’s bad because they are in the same profession, too.
My FIL is a classic narcissist. My husband shows some signs of it himself, but thankfully his father was traveling away from the family for quite a bit of his childhood, and then his parents divorced. But the scars cut very deeply and since this man is still alive and causing more wreckage, my husband still has to deal with him. I keep trying to explain to hubby that this behavior is NOT NORMAL but it’s almost like talking to a POW – he accepts so much unacceptable behavior, it’s a sort of resignation. It can look like acceptance to an outsider, as if my husband is the more adjusted one between us, but adjustment to EVIL isn’t right!
Please try to update your blog, JB. There is a dearth of material about NPD on the internet and your website is a tremendous resource for those of us dealing with this horrible disorder.
Oh, I feel for you…my ex husband’s mother was a narc and no matter what, it’s their parent. He has been conditioned to be a victim and that conditioning runs deep. (We all have narc traits anyway but when you see it BIG time in someone’s parent is when you notice the “unhealthy” narcissism traits in your spouse.) I still hear my mom’s voice come out of MY mouth from time to time and I know that I need to pay attention and work on whatever it was that I said.
I’m glad this is a good resource but right now, I do not have time to post because I’m starting a full time anti-human trafficking ministry and a coffee business to support it so I’m barely sleeping as it is. One of the great things about learning about narcissism is that when the healing truly begins to take hold, when you figure out what you’re dealing with, the narc goes into their proper place in your life and mind…another human being whose input I have the right to allow or disallow into my life.
No one, parent, spouse, sibling, family member, boss, co-worker, friend or acquaintance has power in our lives unless we give it to them. No one can “make us mad”…we choose our reactions.
By the same token, you can’t “make” your husband see what he can’t see yet…and may never be able to. He doesn’t have to accept evil but I do believe we can help as God allows. God can show him and so prayer for your beloved husband for God to open his eyes and protect him from his father can go a long, long way (and then we don’t end up in the nagging wife category!) My husband used to say I was forcing him to choose between his mother and me…guess who won?
Hey CJ:
I’m SO sorry I didn’t see this comment when you wrote it! Oh the agony I endured at the hands of my ex’s narcissistic smother mother…nightmares! Your boyfriend may want to change but chances are momma is gonna torture the crap outta him if he tries…fair warning. Vulture moms don’t let their little boys go and certainly not to other women. Even as a Christian, I suffered self loathing so deep I didnt’ even know how to let God heal it but He does…He’s there for you too. I’m going to send a friend request on Facebook too because this blog is something that isn’t on the front burner of my life (stopping human trafficking IS and it’s been taking a massive amount of my time lately.) Blessings, JB
My name is CJ and I am so glad I found this site because I am the girlfriend of a guy who’s mom is a disgusting narcissist and it has driven me to the point of anorexia. However my boyfriend does want to change. I am a christian and I am also getting therapy for this ridiculousness that I have choses