"Oh my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh the agony of my heart! My heart pounds within me, I cannot keep silent…" Jeremiah 4:19

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I Need Help So Please Read!

PLEASE HELP US IF YOU CAN!

I had a friend suggest this so I’m doing it because we’re DESPERATE!

My son and I are being evicted thanks to a crappy roommate not paying his rent or share of the bills and I’m trying to get the heck out of Tampa and back home to Seattle. I lost my job in late October and Jason didn’t work for 2 weeks in November and then again for two weeks in December due to the holidays so we just fell into that “one month away from homelessness” category that many Americans are in. Well, we’re here and facing homelessness.

I’ve set up a GoFundMe page so if those of you who have found this site helpful could maybe consider helping us I would be incredibly grateful!  This information was freely given and will always remain so.  However, we’re really stuck so I’m just reaching out to anyone remotely connected to our world (even the kindness of strangers) who would consider helping us not end up homeless!

Thank you for reading this post.  I have no pride left, only desperation…things turned bad so quickly my head is spinning and I’m walking in circles so if you can help, PLEASE do! Also, if you could pray and/or put us on any prayer chains or lists you know, that would be awesome too.

The GoFundMe link is here:  https://www.gofundme.com/janetbyers

Postcards to a Narcissist – Healing from the Abuse of a Narcissistic Parent

Welcome to “Postcards To A Narcissist”, a little corner of the blogosphere dedicated to helping survivors of narcissistic abuse have a safe place to dump and learn about hope and healing. The much referenced “inner child” of most children of narcissists is often full of beauty, innocence, joy and hope — but more often filled with guilt, shame, rage and pain.

The colors and crazy mixture of fonts in the site’s title “Postcards to a Narcissist” is representative of the jumble of emotions that we survivors carry within us. It’s representative of the anguish of our hearts — the site’s scripture is: “Oh my anguish, my anguish! I writhe in pain. Oh the agony of my heart! My heart pounds within me, I cannot keep silent…” Jeremiah 4:19.  The torn and misshapen fonts also represent the  jumble of emotions that are indicative of all that is scarred, scattered and shattered deep inside us.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
“The Envy of Narcissism”, Artist Unknown

The artwork above says it ALL to those of us who have suffered at the hands of a narcissistic mother.  The empty-eyed woman with the hole where her heart SHOULD be (said heart being cracked and on a chain) who is up on a pedestal, absorbed with her own reflection in the mirror (even while pushing away the “peons” below her) and with malformed breasts without nipples that represent a woman who cannot nurse or nurture her own children.

This blog stems from my need…as a survivor, as a recovering adult child of a narcissist and as a woman who is FINALLY learning that I am a competent, gifted person…to get WORDS out of my head.  My mothers’ toxic words (or ones from other narcissists I’ve known), my own negative “self talk”, my words of inner despair and anger, you name it.  I also want to get the GOOD words “out of my head” and out to the world to perhaps help others who are survivors of narcissistic abuse. >> read the rest of a post that got too long!

I’m Going Away Again

Hi there people of the tribe…wounded by narcissists, in varying stages of grief, disbelief, healing and hurting.

I’m abandoning this blog again because I’ve moved onto a better  mindset and don’t want to stay stuck in the problem but instead live in the solution.  I am writing about a myriad of things on my writing blog and would simply prefer to use my time, energy and writing for something other than the subject of narcissism

(I’ve written a LOT on here and it’s enough to have that writing “out there” for others who are searching to find…and hopefully heal, learn some stuff and move on.  Preferably also getting away from the narc in their life–or narcs if there are more than one, usually the case.)

I was pushed back here by a narcissist, and of course, the narc came flying in on the charm broomstick.  It took me precisely TWO days to realize what I was dealing with…another victim narcissist. I taught him what I could (in one pass at the internet he became an instant expert on narcissism and started arguing with me about it.)  So I let him win; his drama simply wasn’t interesting to me…nor was trying to fight with an unarmed opponent who blustered and paraded his pitiful ignorance like it was a good thing.

I wrote a post on my writing blog about not being able to see red flags through rose colored glasses and I realize now why I will most likely run into victim narcissists until the day I die.

I am wired to help, to care and to try to lift others out of the pits that others have lifted me out of.  I will keep my rose colored glasses on and I WILL miss the red flags…but not for long.  But I’m not going to hole up and try to avoid those in pain simply because they’re narcs…they just won’t get much of me and it certainly won’t last for long.

I won’t cast pearls before pigs, and then have them turn and trample me into the ground (that’s a scripture for anyone who cares to look it up.)

I wish you all the best and I will see comments from my blogging dashboard since I am online a lot, writing about joy and hope and pain and loss via poetry, short stories, articles and the like.

It is my deepest prayer for you all that you find healing.  Ask Jesus into your heart, He’s the one who can heal you the fastest and in the best possible way for you!  God has a perfect plan for your life, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you if you will but seek him with all of your heart (Jeremiah 29:11)

Blessings, my friends, thank you for all you’ve helped me through, for listening and caring, and helping me laugh during some dark times.

I commend you for having the courage to change your own life.  Freedom rocks!

Letter to a Fellow Sojourner in Prison

Dear Friend,

Hi,  how are you?  Not as well as you’d  like, I am sure.  Life is  hard, girl.  Its not easy to yearn for something  that is always elusive.  Like a father’s love.  No man can ever fill that “daddy hole” in our heart.

As you know, I’ve married four men. Over the years I have had countless relationships too.  I always believed that they could give me what I needed, wanted, yearned for. They were just as broken as I was.  All I got was more  abuse, infidelity, alienation from my children, and more addicted to drugs.

I drank, drugged and sexed. Anything to numb the shame and pain of who I thought I was.

This last marriage almost killed me.  I ended up taking  prescription medications.My psychiatrist gave me prescriptions for Xanax because of the severe anxiety fromcomplex post traumatic stress disorder I was suffering with. I had intense vivid nightmares, anxiety, insomnia, I was so hyper-vigilant it hurt to go outside of my prison and be around people. I became agoraphobic almost, a recluse.

After finally escaping the marriage for the last time, I went to a domestic violence shelter, from there I was able to obtain my own tiny apartment with the agencies help .I was finally “safe” from him, but not from the demons. I started drinking  along with taking  the  anti-anxiety medication and the pain medications prescribed for the intense physical pain I developed.  Then, I slowly began abusing the meds.  I was in full relapse. Suicidal.   I was alone, abandoned by “christian friends” due to their lack of getting it…The process of isolation from support had begun early in the marriage, at this point in time, I had lost most everyone I knew, and I did not trust at this point either.   So, when I relapsed, of course, I had no support. I was utterly alone.  I was in a prison of my own making.  I withdrew from everything and everyone.  My tiny safe haven of  rest become a prison cell.

It was my Maker and I.  I had lost  everything and I wanted out of this life.

It was then that I began to cry out to my Creator in a new way….I yearned for Truth….I yearned for Love.

You have heard it all before.  (You have heard all the sermons, been to countless  rehabs, 12 step meetings, you could teach it, preach it.) I didn’t want to hear it anymore.I wanted to hear only from Him.  Nothing else would do.  He showed up when I surrendered my mess….ALL of me.  I had finally hit an emotional bottom so deep I could not go any deeper.  Surrender your deepest, darkest messiest parts of  you, because that’s the stuff He took to the stake. He knows all, surrender all….yearn for your Fathers Love.  It’s all there, even for you….even in your prison cell, wherever you are, He is there.

I love you my friend….hugs…LL

 

 

Poetic Justice by L.L.

You zeroed in on me….me, what a catch!

….college educated, working woman….I walked with dignity and respect…professional career….little  did I know the front you put on was the exact opposite of what lay within your twisted soul…I ignored my guts…

Here I am , fighting for that woman I was before you,  the woman I yearn to be again….I’ve left twice, forced back twice, three times is a charm…

Control…..the money, the thoughts, the emotions…..a strangle hold….

Ok….I can play the game…I got your number now…I see through the games you play, I will  play my own…lie low, plot my final escape, I will use you, pretend like you, that all is right, I will have my own secret life, stash money, get support, get educated, seek out that strong inner  woman I still am, let her shine….all in time and on your dime….

 

 

 

Clarification to the Readers

Hi everyone, this is LL.  I am the new guest writer for J.B.’s blog. I am so sorry for any confusion pertaining my writing vs. J.B.’s great stuff….I am still learning my way around these parts, so please bare with me….I hope you will be blessed by what comes out of my pen!  I have much to say, many lessons to share and insights into the workings of the enemy of our souls…..much love to all….LL

No Looking Back by L.L.

As I looked in the mirror and saw the bunny trials returning, I thought “now what do I do about them”? Those dreaded stinking bunny trails.   When I got my last Botox injections, I knew it was only temporary , as with  the fillers.Only a temporary fix for a long term problem. I told my husband and my anti-aging doctor I wanted the lifestyle lift.  It was more permanent than fillers and injections and less invasive and expensive than a face lift.  Less down time.Made sense to me…They both frowned.  So did I.  I didn’t call the shots.  The one with the money and the one with the needles did.

Here I am, in a shelter for women fleeing domestic abuse worrying about returning bunny trails….how stupid and superficial!  Three times I have left the destructive marriage and two times I have returned due to the financial situation…and dare I look back at the pleasures enjoyed?  The messages, facials, access to an anti-aging doctor, a good chiropractor, manicures, pedicures, a beautiful house,  a house cleaner, good organic good, vacations, shopping sprees,what more could a woman want?

Reality check… Damage control…Therapy, medications,  DSM-IV diagnoses of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, stress so bad the chiropractor adjustments wouldn’t hold, the messages didn’t’ undo the layers of knots in my shoulders, the manicures and pedicures were less than what I needed.  Botox and fillers couldn’t erase the added 10 years of aging in the less than 4 years of marriage. And no amount of exterior excursions could change the fact that I  had to back to The House. To the abusive husband.

As I looked back at my traumatic chaotic life and the great losses, the Lord said “do not look back”.  “What? Was that You Lord?” I was unsure.  All through the day Lots wife came to my mind.  I pondered upon why she looked back as the Lord’s angel was delivering her and her family from destruction.Did she, too, have a leisurely lifestyle, nice pretty clothes and a  beautiful home?

I reviewed the reasons I returned to the relationship twice previously, also the outcomes of returning.  There was no change in him, thus no change in the marriage. Since returning from Florida the last time I left him, I needed to take Xanax when I knew he was on his way home from the office. I took it on the weekends to keep calm around him. Depression and anxiety were my everyday norms now. Did I want to continue living like this  or was I willing to trust God and let Him lead me on a final Exodus journey into the life He wants me to live…

This time there was no returning; no looking back.  I was wasting my life on an illusion that my husband controlled.  When I pulled aside the illusion and tried to confront his  fantasy world all hell broke loose.  I was the crazy one, I was the one on meds, I was the one that  twisted things and abused him.  I was the one playing the victim…well, no more!  I came to a decision…No more games, no more lies, no more power and control over me…enough was enough!

No looking back this time.  So let the bunnies run the trails on my aging face.  May I age gracefully in the arms of the One who won my freedom…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason

NOTE:  This was written by LL, a new co-writer for this blog (it’s one of the MANY coincidences in our connection that she also named her firstborn son Jason!)  You will be deeply moved by her beautiful words…and I suggest grabbing a box of tissues first.  Blessings,  Janet


 

It has been a few years now since my son Jason died suddenly. Every year when January and February come around, I determine in my heart that ” this year I will not have an emotional melt down.”

Yeah, right, as if I have the power to quell the rising tide of emotions caused by my empty arms. Grief. Deep, deep sorrow, anguish of soul. A hole that no amount of acting out in whatever type of addictive activity can numb.

As I sat alone,weeping, the Spirit reminded me of the prayers I had prayed while still residing in Florida years ago. During the span of around three months, on occasion, I began lamenting in prayer for Jason.Something so powerfully profound captured me, leading me into begging Elohim to extend His mercy and grace upon Jason, “please Father, drive Jason to Your Word, to the book of Revelations, open his eyes to see that Jesus Christ is the Reality. Show him that we are living in the last days. Over and over this “thing” came over me, causing me to lose control and I would weep from a deep place within me that only He could see. I wept so deeply it actually physically hurt.

I feared I was losing my mind.

Then, one night the phone rang. It was Jason’s father. “Jason’s vehicle was found badly burned in the woods in Hector. There is no body found yet, so, we don’t know what’s happened. I think you need to come to New York. It looks like Jason may have died in the fire.”

Upon returning to New York, I felt led to visit my ex husband on a particular day. Shortly after I arrived, Ben, Jason s best friend arrived. The first thing out of my mouth was “where was Jason spiritually?” “Oh my gosh!” Ben replied. “Jason was the most spiritual person I ever knew. The last few months of his life, whenever I or another of his friends came to visit, we would find him up in his bedroom reading the bible, the book of Revelations, he would tell us that Jesus Christ is reality and we are living in the last days.!”

Everything that had come out of my mouth in anguished prayer came out of Ben’s mouth…

Praise God.

I wept, this time it was with relief. I knew that my God had inspired me to pray those prayers on behalf of my son. I knew that Elohim drew Ben and I together that day to comfort my heart and his.

To make a long story short, it was indeed my son’s body. The authorities ruled it a suicide. His friends say he owed the drug dealers money. To this day we do not know what really transpired in those woods where he and the vehicle was found.

Planet earth is soon approaching the time when the King will return for His own. I know in my mothers heart, that when that day comes, I will be reunited with my son Jason and together we will serve Jesuha forever…embraced in our Saviors love.

First True Love, Jason

I’ve read this poem before…did NOT put 2 and 2 together until just now. Oh LL…God is SO awesome! Hugs, JB

modern day samaritan woman

I loved you my child, before your birth, I gently spoke

with love so deep to seep into you.

You were so beautiful to behold., a midget me, right  down to your toes,

You came home to a mother and father, all was right and good

till sins of youth flooded my head., booze stole another happy home  from the innocent

we were all in throes of agony.confused in my head, wishing

I were as the dead at peace in their graves,how I envied their calm tranquility,

I was not a fighter, more a coward.they took you away from from me,I ached in my soul.

Now we see each other as strangers, so different, yet so much alike, out hearts, still, entwined as it was in the womb, love runs deep,

even though they took you from me all those years, you came back, knowing it was I, your real…

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Survive, Live, Thrive, Forgive

For those of us who grew up abused and learned how to simply survive
We simply can’t quite comprehend the mysterious concept called ‘thrive’
You see, we’re still angry at our abusers…but are told to forget and forgive
Now, as adults, we’re not sure how a good, normal life should be lived

Survive:
To duck the fists as best you and cry inside over all the verbal assaults
Hear on a daily basis how bad we are and a list of our many, many faults
‘Big kids don’t cry you know’ and if you do cry they’ll just hurt you more
We wished every day we were bigger and old enough to walk out the door

Survive:
To hear the words ‘What is WRONG with you?’ for the thousandth time
‘Why are you so stupid and BAD?’ and ‘Why can’t you do ANYTHING right?’
It doesn’t matter how you behave…those are all the standard abuser lines
We know it doesn’t help to try for perfection; know we’ll never win the fight

Survive:
A child cries: ‘Daddy, please, please stop! Why are you in my bed tonight?’
‘It’s because I love you so much, my precious child; don’t worry, it’s alright’
They became adults who are broken inside; raped in more ways than one
Now they are grown ups who don’t trust love because of what he’s done

Live:
Grateful that you made it through, got big and walked out that door
Then the new abusers come and your existence seems normal once more
You’ve been well groomed, you see…just from learning how to survive
You try hard to learn how normal people ‘do’ this hard thing called life

Live:
Drama and trauma are familiar; some find only bad relationships
With lovers who like to ignore and abandon…or humiliate and hit
You see, new abusers fit right in to that well-worn place in your heart
You wish every day you could find courage; wish for a brand new start

Live:
You’re older now, wiser in the ways of people…but so wary of them all
One day you see the pattern you’re living; get sick of hitting the same walls
You’ve got battle scars earned all on your own; scars of your own making
So you start seeking help and begin to heal; tired of being skilled at faking

Thrive:
Finding help with some kind of addiction if that was the way you coped
You stop trying to control or react or hide; you learn how to heal and hope
Letting go and letting God are foreign concepts you struggle to grasp
Claw your way out of your pit but still secretly convinced you’re BAD

Thrive:
We land a broken mess and find people who will help us to heal
We learn there are thousands of new ways we are allowed to feel
More than ‘scared, mad, sad, or shamed’; new feelings keep you sane
You meet people who have found wisdom and will patiently explain

Thrive:
Some days getting up seems too hard; many more tears than smiles
The going often rough and scary on your journey; many long, hard miles
Then slowly laughter starts to come again as you heed freedom’s call
That wounded inner child says: ‘Hey, maybe I’m not so bad after all!’

Forgive:
The hardest thing for most survivors to learn is to let go of all the hate
We feel toward our parents and for all the others we met along the way
Hatred we feel so guilty to harbor; pure fury for all the years of abuse
Toward all who lied and hurt us; then threw us away, broken and used

Forgive:
Someone comes along to explain ‘Dear child, forgiveness is for YOU’
You CAN salvage something good from the hell that you’ve been through
You can let go of the hatred and pain; you CAN be free from your past
Truth slowly comes; forgiveness can bring you peace and freedom at last

Forgive:
The reality of a loving God is a concept you come to understand one day
You begin to let go of the hatred and pain…then one night you hear God say
‘I love you so much, my precious child…that’s all you need to believe.”
You finally learn to trust God and accept that forgiveness has set you free

For those of us who grew up in abusive hell; fought hard to simply survive
We can learn to laugh and grow and help others; we can and will learn to thrive
One day, as we heal, we will find freedom and peace by choosing to forgive
We too can discover that a good, normal life is an awesome way to live!

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